Trembling Before M-rk
I can’t believe I am actually writing a poem about a gay Chassidic erstwhile drag queen across the pond whom I have never met to add to my book in progress (the book of poetry, not the novel).
After a few years of missing the film, I finally checked out Trembling Before G-d on DVD at the local library. Of all the gay Orthodox Jews who shared their stories in this documentary, the subject who really inspired me to greater heights is Mark — the British HIV+ son of an Orthodox rabbi who had left Orthodoxy after being kicked out of seven yeshivas for homosexuality. The joy he feels in his Yiddishkeit is palpable — he is a veritable shining light. He seems a rather cool guy as well, inasmuch as a stranger can glean from maybe 20 minutes of edited documentary footage.
Frankly, I don’t believe in role models, and living in a small kehilla with only a handful of frum Jews, the first thing you learn is not to look to other people to set examples for you. But it seems to me that the Jews who inspire me the most are the ones who are the most at odds with halakha and the community, the ones who have been hurt the most by it and are the most aware of their limitations, and who still identify positively with Yiddishkeit. I guess something connected with me where Mark was concerned. I’m still trying to put my finger on it, trying to trap the spirit into the word world.
What’s unusual is not my familiarity with drag queens or frum Jews, but the level with which an 80-minute documentary resonated with me. Let’s just say that even for a single woman who likes the opposite sex just fine (and the Jewish community seems to have more than its share of cute gay men I won’t be gettin’), it’s difficult to be Orthodox or even Conservative in this neck of the woods — especially when you weren’t born into it.
Okay, okay — yes, Mark is rather cute. He is my type. That’s not the point here. If he can happily return to Yiddishkeit — and follow halakha to whatever level he can — then I can increase my observance within my own limitations (small Jewish community, nonkosher roommate, unable to afford to live within walking distance to shul on Shabbos). My problems are small potatoes compared to his — as is my kavannah, I suspect.
I wonder how his health is now? I’d actually say a refuah shlema if I knew his & his mother’s Hebrew name. I feel kind of funny adding simply “Mark” or ”That guy in Trembling Before G-d” to the shul meshebeyrach list. Not that I care what people think…
Anyway, it’s not clear from the updates I’ve been able to cull online whether Mark is still talking to his friend the director (Sandi Simcha Dubrowski) or what kind of contact he’s had with his gay Jewish friends. Apparently he returned to yeshiva studies after filming, became “completely Chassidic”, and was worried the movie would cause him to be kicked out again. I’d love to know how he’s doing today. But whatever the answer, a total stranger on a screen has somehow shaken me out of my complacency and helped me soldier on to a deeper level of commitment to Judaism. Fabulous queens have that effect on me.
